The Raging Storm

Dark, scary-looking clouds riddled with doubt and fear of what was ahead rolled into my life almost a month ago. Then the thunder came shortly after, and rattled the walls of my security sending me racing for some sort of shelter.

Needless to say, I've been running around frantically for three weeks trying to take cover...somewhere, anywhere.

But today, lightning struck leaving me in complete darkness with nowhere to hide. And almost immediately, incredible winds of circumstance blew in knocking me down and stripping me of what little certainty and foundation I had managed to hold on to.

In my time of weeping and sorrow today, I began to listen to praise songs and I came across a Casting Crowns song that described my situation perfectly—"Praise You in This Storm."

After I listened to every word, I made the decision to quit running around looking for the first shelter available. Instead, I decided to just stand out in the middle of the downpour with my arms outstretched and give what I have left—my praise and myself—to the Lord.

He is bigger, more sovereign, and more holy that I could ever imagine. No one can ever mess up His plans or thwart His purposes. And I must remind myself that I am blessed with a new day each morning that I wake up to serve Him foremost and fully, and not man.

Even though these are dark days for me and the storm still rages, I'm determined to praise Him in the midst of it all.

These are dark times...

The last few weeks I "feel" like I've been wandering around aimlessly in the dark regarding what God wants me to do next. And then there are days when I "feel" like God has just flown me out to a desert, dropped me off in the middle of it, and vanished into thin air. I have been left with no direction, no road signs, and no compass to point me in one direction or another.

Take your pick...either scenario will fit my life at this point.

But, certainly a little wiser than I was even a year ago, I now know that feelings are fickle and faith is foundation in the life of the believer. And I know that God hasn't actually left me like I am "feeling." Instead, maybe He's just waiting for me to quit asking "why" and "what for" so that He can speak.

I was doing my devotional and reading the Bible this morning and came across the story of Hagar and Abraham in Genesis 16-17: "Abram was 86-years-old when Hagar bore him Ishmael (Gen. 16:16). When Abram was 99-years-old, the Lord appeared to him and said, 'I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.' Abram fell facedown [before God]..." (Gen. 17:1-3).
Does this mean that, after the plan involving Hagar and Sarah backfired, Abraham lived in darkness for 13 years before He heard from the Lord again?

That's kind of scary to me. But I don't think that God was just mad at Abraham and therefore decided not to talk to him for a while. I think He wanted to teach Abraham some discipline. Not only that, but he wanted Abraham to quit being so self-reliant and start trusting in Him for his future.

If you've read the story, then you know that because of Sarai's and Abram's impatience, they went ahead and did their own thing in starting a family instead of waiting upon the Lord.

Let this be a lesson to us all. Do you rely on people more than God for wisdom and direction? Do you rely on self-help books or the latest psychological trends to help you figure out life? Do you trust in your friends and family more than the Lord? I hate to admit it...but, I know I do sometimes.

I want to surrender to Him. I want to be broken before Him (which is another completely scary topic for me). I want Him to know that I don't need anyone else to be satisfied in this life. I want to come to the place where I can honestly say, "There is no one else in this world for me but You, my God!"

When will I ever come to the place where my total dependence is in the Lord? After He has to discipline me and teach me a few lessons over 13 years like Abraham? It's settled then. Even now when I don't understand what's going on..."feeling" all alone and scared...I'm going to have faith that He knows and is in control.

In the meantime, I'm simply going to wait patiently on God to shine His light (according to His timing) and lead me out of this present darkness.

You Selfish Thing

We are such selfish beings.

How often do we pray, "Lord, help me with this or that," or "Lord, quench my thirst and satisfy me, me, me!?" It's always about me...me...me in my relationship with the Lord. Is it that way with your relationship with Him?

I forget that my ultimate goal should be to please Him...in serving Him certainly, but not foremost, because then I would be putting my service to Jesus before Jesus Himself. (If that makes any sense whatsoever.)

Instead, I need to live in total devotion to Jesus alone...through not by my actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, life, so on. My relationship with Him is not to be a one-way street.

I guess it's a subconscious thing for me. I don't even realize how much I talk to the Lord about my needs and wants every day. Like they are really so much more important that the praise and devotion from me that He deserves.

Check this out:
Jesus said to the woman at the well, "Give Me a drink" (John 4:7).
Jesus speaking to the disciples: "You shall be witnesses to Me..." (Acts 1:8).

Do you see? It's all about HIM! My dilemma is all a part of my selfish, sinful human nature. I need to work on how much more can I honor, bless, and satisfy Jesus in my life, instead of the other way around.

Forgive my ramblings. I'm working these things out in my heart and head. Just thought I would share the tangled web of thoughts in my brain.

Psalm 3: Confidence in Troubled Times

Lord, how my foes increase!
There are many who attack me.
Many say about me,
'There is no help for [her] in God.'

...But You, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, and the One who lifts up my head.
I cry aloud to the Lord, and He answers me
from His holy mountain.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again because the Lord sustains me.
I am not afraid of the thousands of people
who have taken their stand against me on every side.

Rise up, Lord! Save me, my God!
You strike all my enemies on the cheek;
You break the teeth of the wicked.
Salvation belongs to the Lord; may Your blessing be on Your people.

Hi ho! Hi ho...

Isn't it funny how right when you think you're settled in a good spot on solid ground, God rips the rug right out from under you? You're sent flying through the air only to land on your back with the wind knocked out of you.

I'm feeling pretty beat down right now. Don't worry...God has provided alternatives for work and I know He's in control. I may think I walked out into the unknown, but He was waiting on the other side with the gift of provision wrapped up in a box with a pretty bow on top.

So...with all this excitement and new stuff happening, why am I not excited? Why do I just feel exhausted and worn out? Why am I not ecstatic to see what's waiting around the corner? Maybe in God's efforts to slap me into submission and shove faith in my face I'm just........well.......tired. (Or...maybe I just need a nap.)

Is it OK to be completely tired of Him testing my faith? Is it OK to want to step off the roller coaster of life and regain my balance? Is it alright to want to stop running this marathon for just a minute, take a breather, and relax on the sidelines?

I know the Bible says, "...Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, schorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

So then what in the world am I going on about? I don't have a clue either.

I'm whining about feeling a little spent at the moment, yet I forget that in the midst of his ministry the Lord Jesus Christ had the rug pulled out from beneath His feet. But instead of whining about His situation, He pressed on with what God had called Him to do--He suffered through a brutal beating, was savagely nailed to a cross, and carried the shame of my sin for all to see.

Things will get better...this I know for sure. Starting now, I will fix my eyes upon the Lord, quit my whining, and thank Him for those who ran a difficult race before me with perseverance and faith. Then I'll pick up my cross again and keep running.

Untitled

It has been an incredibly crazy and almost unbelievable past two days. I'm not really sure what God is doing in my life right now. I am feeling:

• Discouraged, yet empowered.
• Fearful, yet filled with hope.
• Uncertain, yet reminded to have faith.
• Betrayed by some, yet encouraged by others.
• Very alone, yet comforted because I know He is by my side.
• Anxious, yet full of peace as I wait for the next step.
• Nervous, yet excited about what's going to happen in the days ahead.

I am back to where I started a year ago...but I know how to handle the situation now...by faith. I am able to identify with Abraham once again: "By faith, Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8).

I have faith in God's promises...that "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). And I'm trusting the Lord with all my heart, and trying not to lean on my own understanding or figure out what to do by myself. I'm doing my best to wait and listen for His guidance. I know He'll lead me in the right direction (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Lessons Learned

***Prepare yourself...this is going to be a long post.***

I am always incredibly amazed when I come upon a new year and look back over the last. I can see times when God carried me through difficulties and I couldn't even see it at the time...and there are times when He lifted me up and I neglected to praise Him for it.

This past year, God has truly taught me the meaning of faith. And while I am certainly no expert on the topic...I have never come face-to-face with it like I did this past year. There were three tests of faith in 2005 that taught me what it means to completely trust in God:

TEST OF FAITH #1
I began the year in a part-time position with my church. By God's sovereign providential hand I was "let go" because the position was no longer needed and then invited back only a few days later to a revamped position of the same sorts.

I can remember my heart and soul were completely torn as to what to do. Should I take the job that I didn't feel peace about in my heart and remain financially secure? Or should I step out into the unknown (into insecurity...or so I thought) and follow God's calling?

I sought wisdom and counsel from everyone I knew, but no one had an answer for me. Could it have been that I was not seeking guidance from the One who had all the answers? Probably.

I had one semester of seminary left in January 2005 and no other jobs lined up, but God was telling me, "Kaylan, just trust me. Have I ever left you? Have you ever gone hungry or without clothes? Have you ever lived without a roof over your head? I've got all of this under control. Just have faith in Me."

So I did. I made the biggest leap of faith on January 14, 2005 that I have ever in my entire life. I turned down the position and moved into the unknown...literally...no job, no money, no security. Shortly after, I found a profound verse in the Bible and it hit me.

"It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8).

He wanted me to obey Him by faith, leave my comfort zone, and venture out into the unknown. When I made this decision...the most incredible rush of peace overwhelmed my soul. I couldn't have made a better decision by faith.

I am still dumbfounded by how it happened (it was truly God), but I was able to survive above and beyond what I could've ever imagined throughout the spring semester on freelance writing jobs. My God totally took care of me and this event truly changed my life. I'll never forget it.

Indeed, God knew exactly what He was doing. Now that I look back, I never would have been able to make it through writing and editing my thesis and preparing for oral exams with my thesis committee had it not been for that step of faith. This 6-month trek as a freelance writer allowed me ample time to complete my project and graduate in May with no worries.

TEST OF FAITH #2
I was still without a full-time job on graduation day from seminary and told the Lord I really desired one. But He said, "Kaylan...stop being so bossy! I know what I'm doing. When are you ever going to learn that I'm ALWAYS in control? Not just some of the time...I am the constant in your life."

So I submitted myself to prayer and seeking the Lord through His Word. Sure enough...He came through as He always does.

Just a week after graduation I was offered a full-time position with PowerPoint Ministries as the Senior Writer and Editor. Again...this was better than I ever imagined.

How could I ever doubt that God was in control going forward, right? How could I ever again believe that He would need MY help to accomplish any task that comes along? Well, it took one more test to teach me.

TEST OF FAITH #3
This last fall...with no seminary holding me back, a good job in my pocket, and it just being me and the Lord against the world...I began to feel lonlier than ever for some reason and really wanted the companionship of another.

So I specifically prayed, "God, I am ready for a husband now. The timing is perfect for me...so any day now that you want to bring him along would be great. And if you have no plans to introduce us anytime soon...at least let me know that I am still date-worthy and that you haven't left me. Give me a sign that there is still someone out there for me..."

In a desperate and foolish attempt to move on with my life because I'd received no immediate answer from God, I decided to take matters into my own hands, but it obviously didn't turn out as I expected.

I learned that:
1) HIS timing is perfect...not mine. But in the midst of my crushed hopes for a husband, He answered my prayer above and confirmed that indeed He hasn't left me and I AM still date-worthy. Praise God!

2) For me, the answer was not to rely on a computer-generated matching system to pair me up with the right fellow. Instead, God was telling me, "Just trust me, Kaylan. Please quit trying to do this yourself. Only I know what's best for you."

3) God produces blessings out of disappointments. As a result of this failed eHarmony relationship and the contacts of this guy I met, my brother now has a chance to intern with the Texas Rangers (a lifelong dream and he graduates in May). Wow!

CONCLUSION
All-in-all, I have really learned to believe in the age-old hymn, "Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." That's all He wants from me as a believer in Him...trust, love, and obedience.

I am by no means an expert on faith...and I still struggle very much with it, but I think my faith is now stronger. If I can make these three things top priorities in my daily walk with Him, then He'll continue to work miracles in my life and bless me beyond imagination.

As I enter this new year...I certainly have a different outlook than I did last year. Not only am I able to look back over the last year's events and be excited about what God is going to do in the coming year, but I can face the days and months ahead saying, "Whatever comes my way in this year and beyond...good or bad...I will trust and obey You, for You are in control—Almighty God, Sovereign Creator, Faithful Provider, Precious Savior, Lover of my soul, the Great I AM."

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ON FAITH
"For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes--Jews first and also Gentiles. This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, 'It is through faith that a righteous person has life'" (Romans 1:16-17, NLT).

"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17, NKJV).

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7, NKJV).

"I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20, NLT).

"So Jesus said to them, '...If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you'" (Matthew 17:20, NKJV).

Christmastime

Merry Christmas!

I know it's a little early...but I just can't help myself. If you were to walk into my apartment right now...you'd think Christmas stopped by and threw up all over my living room.

I'm glad I live by myself because if I had a roommate or significant other...they would certainly be exhausted by the constant repeat of Christmas carols that ring throughout my place every evening. And when it gets even a fragment below 40 degrees...I'm hauling in wood to start a fire in the fireplace.

Ahhhhhh....it sure is beginning to look a lot like Christmas...well, you wouldn't be able to tell by the warm Texas weather, but in every other way...Christmas has made an entrance and it's finally here! Praise the Lord...I got a Christmas "blessing" at work today (very much needed)! Yea!!! And I'm going to do some more shopping today for gifts to pass out to the people I love.

It's so hard to sit here at this computer and actually get any work done. I'm like a little kid...anxious and fidgety. I'm so thankful for my family, my friends, my job, and my health during this time of year.

Although, I can't help but think about those families who have suffered hardship this year and can't even afford a tree...much less a gift to put under a tree if they had one. God bless 'em...

How many of you actually give to people in need during during this time of year? I know I don't and I need to. Maybe it's high time that I head down to Downtown Dallas and give to those who are in need...better yet, those who don't even have a home to enjoy this Christmas season. I think I'll check into that...

Merry Christmas!!!

Joseph, Mary, & Jesus

Each year that passes, God teaches me something new about the real reason for this season. I try to visualize the night when Christ was born and the events leading up to it.

Joseph, an ordinary man, must have been devastated to find out his beloved was pregnant with child and it wasn't his (sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer, right?)! Just as this happens today, it happened over 2000 years ago.

Instead of shaming her in public, though, Joseph determined to quietly hide her away to keep her from public disgrace. Whatta man! But when the angel of the Lord spoke to him in a dream and commanded that he take Mary as his wife anyway--he obeyed--period. He was truly a comman man...but certainly a righteous man of God.

Mary, probably just a teenager, must have been scared to death and confused when the angel of the Lord told her she would conceive of the Holy Spirit. And she would be carrying the Messiah at that! What a responsibility!

I know if I were in her position, my first reaction would be, "Lord, I can't do that for You. It's just too much. I'm engaged to a wonderful man and I just want to have a normal life! Why don't you pick someone else?"

But Mary praised the Lord and obeyed without hesitation in the midst of her confusion. There is so much to learn from her love for the Lord--devotion, worship, obedience, faith, etc.

I am AMAZED at the faith of these two people. Imagine it...giving birth and raising the Savior of the entire world...and trying to be a good parent to God Himself!!! That'll blow your mind for sure.

And then Jesus--who came to earth as 100% man and 100% God. Imagine knowing him as he grew up. I wonder what kind of kid he was.

Was he funny? Did he throw temper tantrums? Did Mary have to deal with the "terrible twos?" Did he actually whine when he didn't get his way? Was he nice to his brothers and sisters? Did he talk back to his mom and dad? Did he have a horrible attitude during his teenage years like most?

It is still unfathomable to me sometimes to think that God came to earth to live among us--among sinners! He lived a perfect, flawless life only to be beaten beyond belief for being the King of kings and Lord of lords, then crucified on a cross to suffer and die for us, and finally buried only to raise from the dead three days later so that we may have forgiveness, salvation, and eternal life. Wow!

All of this may cause one to doubt if it really happened as Scripture says. It seems so supernatural, right? But I truly believe every word of it.

My perspective of Christmas has changed so much since I was a kid. It is no longer about the presents, lights, decorations, and carols (though I love all those things very much). It is first about the worship and praise of Jesus the Christ, our Lord and Savior. To God be the glory!

I had the AMAZING opportunity to minister to a beautiful, godly lifelong friend of mine today. She has always been a great encouragement to me for many years (especially through college), so I so enjoyed returning the favor. I thought I would share with you what I did with her...with some more personal parts deleted, of course:

I guess there are two parts that I feel like God wants me to share with you: faith and knowing and doing His will. If there is ONE thing God has taught me this year, it has been faith--true faith. Not just the use of meaningless words or glorified thoughts--but truly learning to abandon all else to follow Him wherever.

At the beginning of this year, I made a HUGE HUGE HUGE leap of faith into an unknown world. I left my comfortable job because I felt (beyond a shadow of a doubt) that God was calling me to leave. And I didn't know why or how...but I earnestly sought Him in Scripture and through prayer and He revealed His will for that day.

He hadn't directed me as to where I was to go the next week...and quite honestly, the people at my job thought I was crazy for going out on a limb with nowhere to go. But regardless of their opinions, I stepped out on faith (something I had NEVER truly done before) not knowing where I was going to go from there.

I can't tell you how that one step of faith changed my life. It all began with surrender in college. I don't know if you remember me telling you that I prayed that God would do with my life whatever, whenever, and however He wanted to do it, but I did...and I can now look back and see an amazing transformation and journey He's brought me on.

First, I had to learn complete surrender with no reservations. Then I had to learn to step out on faith and that happened almost three years after I surrendered, so it took a while. But when I did, He began to open doors I never thought possible. And now God is teaching me things I never thought I could comprehend or understand.

All that to say...there are so many people in the Bible that we can learn from--so many lives that were changed and people of great faith that have left a legacy behind for us to follow. Hebrews 11 talks about heroes of faith:

* "By faith we understand that the universe was created by the word of God..." (v 3)
* "By faith Abel offered to God a better sacrifice than Cain did" (v 4)
* "By faith, Noah, after being warned about what was not yet seen, in reverence built an ark to deliver his family" (v 7)

And so on...but, the one that I am most fascinated with is Abraham. Hebrews 11:8 says, "By faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went out to a place he was going to receive as an inheritance; he went out, not knowing where he was going."

By faith Abraham went out having no clue where he was going, but knowing that God had called him to seek the Promised Land. I think as believers, it's hard for us to separate common sense from faith. Common sense is so much more comfortable and while it is good to have, we oftentimes lose sight of what real faith is in the midst of it.

When Abraham was called to offer up Isaac as a sacrifice, there was no other way God could purify his faith than to break him out of his comfort zone and push him to do something that wasn't what he wanted. But because Abraham obeyed, God blessed him.

The greatest lesson I've learned from Abraham's faith in God is that he was prepared to do anything for the Lord no matter what he wanted to do or believed to be "right." I think it's important for us to always be willing to come to the point of giving up our own convictions, traditional beliefs, comfortable lifestyles, understanding and reason to move forward in what He has called us to do.

One other thing I've learned (and then I'll close), is that a life of faith isn't always glorious mountaintops. You already know this since you've been walking with the Lord for many years, but it's always good to hear someone else verbalize it. True faith is constantly tried, tested, and built up, so that eventually the believer is no longer spoiled by common sense, fear of stepping out, and comfort zones, but instead he or she is accustomed to SEEKING, KNOWING, and DOING the will of God by faith without hesitation.

Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass.
--Psalm 37:7

God is really working on me right now. I met with a fabulously godly lady today, with whom I work, and had coffee. She was such an inspiration to me and gave me great words of wisdom and encouragement.

I've been frustrated for a while now as to why I can't seem to stay satisfied in the Lord--it's a constant battle between my selfish desires and what He wants for me. I guess I knew it all along, but it helped for someone else to verbalize it.

Tricky Satan has been trying to weasel his way into my thoughts and mind for a very long time...and even more so here lately. And just when I surrender to the Lord and get on my face before Him, I let my guard down and Satan clouds my focus on God.

I am coming to the place in my life where, more and more, I only want to say, "In all the world, there is no one else but You, dear God, there is no one else but You." If I am single for the rest of my life, if I never make tons of money or live in a fancy house or drive the best car or wear the most expensive clothes, or if I am never a supermodel look alike, then it's all OK...as long as I am in the center of God's will and I am completely and totally surrendered to Him.

You know what? Revelation...I think I'm falling in love with Him again...and Satan's trying desperately to prevent that from happening. For so long, I've let Satan convince me that I'm not worthy of God's love, that I don't deserve a relationship with my Lord, and that I'll never be a "good" Christian, but isn't that his job? The Bible makes it perfectly clear that he roams the earth seeking those he can destroy.

I am involved in this spiritual battle whether I want to be or not. And I must daily fight by humbling myself, staying in His Word, praying, and getting one-on-one with Him, so that nothing else will ever take His place. I'm finally convinced that there needs to be no other distractions in my life right now. I simply want to enjoy the intimacy of a growing relationship with My Savior.

As a side note to Krista's recent post...I totally agree, sister!

I am tired of jingling around nickels and dimes in my pocket when God has a 20 dollar bill out there He's just waiting to give me. I'm finished with the nickels...I'm ready to pocket a crisp, green 20 dollar bill.

You know...I'm convinced that God was trying to teach both of us a lesson that day we found the 20 dollar bill out in the middle of the parking lot. It's going to be exactly like that for us...it'll happen when we least expect it and it will be a total blessing.

But wait...there's more...

Quotes

Here are a couple of quotes that really moved me today:

"Were there any place better for you than the one in which you find yourself, Divine Love would have placed you there. ... If this is, in fact, the best place for me, I want to seize and celebrate it, and not miss whatever purpose God might have in placing me here."
—Leigh McLeroy

"As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God's interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness."
—Oswald Chambers

obedience

When I was little and crossed the major road that carried lots of traffic close to our house without asking permission, what happened? I was spanked.

When I told a lie, what happened? I was punished.

When I acted out of rebellion and defied my parents authority, what happened? I was grounded or seriously disciplined.

There's never been a time in my life when I've NOT struggled with the issue of obedience. I truly believe that when I came out of the womb I yearned to be independent and make my own decisions from that point forward. Bless the hearts of my parents who tried their best to raise a free spirit to be a self-controlled, poised, and godly young lady. They did a great job, but my heart has always been a little rebellious.

Isn't everyone's though?

I'm realizing that when I've questioned God's call for me to do something specific in the past, my hesitation has come from me putting other things in competition with His reign and rule over my mind, body, and spirit. I often get so worked up about the minor things in life (trying to work them out on my own), that I refuse to see God's big picture. The answer has always been simple...simply obey Him in EVERYTHING I do...even the trivial things.

If I obey Him in everything...both the seemingly major and minor things in life...I will prove to be a witness to others of my obedience and faithfulness to the Lord, and more than that...He will be pleased with me. When I can't pay a bill, when I'm having a bad hair day, when I'm feeling overwhelmed, when I've gained a few pounds, when someone has hurt me, or so on...I need to come face-to-face with Him.

My relationship with God could certainly be compared to the discipline my parents gave me when I disobeyed as a child. I can look back over my life and see that when I was walking hand in hand with Him and I tried to veer off the path, He gently guided me back to the straight and narrow.

But when my rebellious, sinful nature kicked in and I took off running full force from Him, He had to grab me by the arm, scold me, and execute serious discipline as a result of my straying. (Maybe I should have been harnessed to Him like some kids are to their parents.) But then I can see that after I was punished He forgave my disobedience, comforted me with love, scooped me up in His arms, let me cry out my shame and regret on His shoulder, and carried me for a while.

As an adult now, I am grateful for God's discipline because, as I mature in Him, my obedience grows and His blessings increase.

I don't want to just post Oswald Chamber's devotionals on here every day, but during this time in my life...I feel like I can share what's going on through my daily devotionals:

"Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own..." (1 Corinthians 6:19).

"We are not sanctified for ourselves. We are called into intimacy with the gospel, and things happen that appear to have nothing to do with us. But God is getting us into fellowship with Himself. Let Him have His way. If you refuse, you will be of no value to God in His redemptive work in the world, but will be a hindrance and a stumbling block.

"The first thing God does is get us grounded on strong reality and truth. He does this until our care for ourselves individually have been brought into submission to His way for the purpose of His redemption. Why should we experience heartbreak? Through those doorways God is opening up ways of fellowship with His Son.

"Most of us collapse at the first grip of pain. We sit down at the door of God's purpose and enter a slow death through self-pity. And all the so-called Christian sympathy of others helps us to our deathbed. But God will not. He comes with the grip of the pierced hand of His Son, as if to say, 'Enter into fellowship with Me; arise and shine.' If God can accomplish His purposes in this world through a broken heart, then why not thank Him for breaking yours?"

There are many things I want in my life...marriage, a family, a new house, paid-in-full bills, weight loss, etc....but, more than any other thing I want to be in the very center of God's will. I don't know how I survived on my own before Him--or even when I strayed away from Him. I was truly lost.

I am so thankful for my salvation and for God's gentle nudge when I start to wander off. Matthew 10:37-39 says, "Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it."

I used to think this passage of Scripture was cruel. But now I understand completely. I can't tell you...but, God is teaching me more now in my life through personal experiences than through anything I ever learned from the books or professors in college or seminary. I am grateful for my education, but I can't explain what He's doing right now. It's phenomenal. I am humbled every day by His goodness and grace.

I am learning to put aside every emotion and fickle feeling in order to KNOW that God is faithful to complete in my life all His purposes. I'm not worthy to be called His child, but His grace is sufficient and I will continue to die to myself daily and pick up my cross and follow Him at all costs.