A Can of Worms: Part 1 of ?

I'm TERRIFIED to write this blog. My stomach is in knots. You don't know how many times I've read and re-read this post before hitting "Publish." 

I don't know what the results will be. I may get bouquets of flowers or four slashed tires. I know I'm going to tick at least a handful of people off.

Either way, I'm doing it. I'm going in. I'm slowly opening the very edge of the can to pull out this one tiny worm so all of them don't escape—not just yet anyway.

Note: These are mostly my opinions. If you don't like what I have to say, feel free to never visit my blog again. My feelings won't be hurt. Promise.

                         

Where I'm Coming From
                         
I've been single since 2001-ish. How long is that? Nearly a lifetime? It feels like it anyway.

A big part of the reason is because of the tragic way the long-term relationship with my high school boyfriend ended when I was a sophomore in college. I was left heartbroken, wounded, and bleeding. 

One night, in my dorm room at Ouachita Baptist University, I remember lying on my blue-and-white-checkered comforter, staring at the ceiling. Drowning in a barrel full of pain, I made an unbreakable deal with God. 

Through my tears, my conversation with Him went something like this: "I don't ever want to go through this kind of heartbreak again, so protect me and don't bring anyone else into my life until its my husband, the man You've chosen for me."

Be careful what you pray for. You'll probably get it. I sure did.

That night, I also raised the standard for the kind of man I want to join hearts with one day. There have been small blips on my dating radar over the past 12 years. But I really do believe the Lord has protected my life. And I'm truly grateful for it.

                         

What Online Dating Taught Me
                         
I've always wanted to meet my guy organically—not through a forced interaction, not because some computer program said this guy or that guy is the best match for me, and certainly not because I paid a monthly fee for him to go on a date with me.

I've wanted to meet through friends or at church or at a group event or, heck, even in line at the grocery store. But my real-life options have seemed limited over the years.

About seven years ago, I got impatient and tried my hand at online dating. It didn't feel right then and it doesn't feel right now. But that doesn't mean I didn't just end round four with e-Harmony in March of this year.

Let's just say (because of the obvious fact that I'm still single) it didn't work out any of those times. I met a couple of good guys and a couple of freakshows, so I think, all in all, I got my money's worth. 

But I will never do it again. At all. Ever. (Someone please punch me if I even consider it in the future.)

Hear me out—I don't think online dating is altogether wrong. I know many people who have met their significant others online—and their relationships/marriages are great. But it's just not for me. It was more frustrating than it was fulfilling.

But here's one good thing that's come of it: the whole darned experience has fueled me to research and dig deep into the issues of singleness, men, women, relationships, what I think about these things, what our culture says, and what God says.

So here goes nothing (or everything).

                         

A Little of This, A Little of That
                         
I get asked a lot, "How is it that YOU'RE still single? Why is no one dating you?"

It's incredibly flattering (I think?), but I don't have a freaking clue, people. I really don't. I ask myself the same questions all the time.

I think I'm a pretty great catch (or at least my daddy says so, and he's not the lying type)...

• I love Jesus passionately and follow Him faithfully.
• I'm not completely unfortunate-looking (Legally Blonde reference, anyone?).
• I've got a few jokes in my back pocket (I think they're laughing with me and not at me).
• I'm smart enough to have made it through a masters degree program (but that's my limit).
• I've got my crap together (emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and all the other -allys).
• I practice a good hygiene and beauty regimen (including, but not limited to, a flawless makeup technique and the timeless Texas tease).
• I'm fashionable (and by fashionable, I mean I'm a world-class Maxxinista).
• I'm a real ball of fun (I'd just have to show you what I mean in person).
• I have a good job (I may not make six figures, but I really like what I do!).
• Etc. Etc. Etc.

I know a lot of other incredible single women whose lists are WAY longer than mine. And they're doing their darnedest to wait patiently on the right guys too.

But let's face reality: we can't do a whole lot about our relational statuses except pray and hope and wish and wait.

I mean, we can do a little bit—flirt, banter, bat our eyelashes, giggle sweetly, drop hints, laugh at their corny jokes, make ourselves visible. But ultimately, we have to wait on the men to act.

So what do we do in the meantime? Rather, what do I do in the meantime? Ask God to kick the right guy in the pants so he WILL finally get it together and act? 

I'm still trying to figure this one out.

                         

Embarrassed by Singleness
                         
That brings me to this. I've realized that many of the women I know, including myself, feel embarrassed by singleness and the desire for marriage. We definitely don't talk about it, much less admit it. 

So we put on multi-purpose masks layered with confidence, strength, forced contentedness, hard work, independence, and other similar things.

Every time that little nagging desire for a husband bubbles up in our hearts, we shove it back down, shush it, and give it the evil eye. 

Then we puff up, throw our shoulders back, and walk a little taller in our 4-inch designer heels to let the world know we're unaffected by it. 

And to show we really mean it, some of us find the nearest man, bite his head off, chew it up, and spit it out in front of the other males in close proximity so they'll know what's up.

But it's time to stop sweeping this issue under the rug and pretending its not there. It's time to air it out and admit that singleness is a burden for some of us. 

Yes, please, let's look at the positive side of things and recognize all we can do for Jesus and others during this time. Let's celebrate the freedoms we have to go and do as we please. 

But let's also feel free to confess there are days it sucks the life right out of us, days when we'd give up our left lung for something more, days when we'd love nothing more than to shove loneliness off a cliff and tell him to kiss it. 

(See what I did there? Loneliness has officially become a "he.")

                         

What the Bible Says
                         
Let's go back to Genesis 2:18, shall we?

Then the Lord God said, "It's not good for the man to be alone. I'll make a helper who's just right for him."

So you mean to tell me that the Creator and His Creation were walking together in the Garden, in a perfect harmonious relationship, with no need for anything or anyone else, and God said, "This still isn't enough for you"?

That's right. He said it. 

Then He made HER. And guess what? The very essence of HER was to be relational. 

It was to love and help out her man. It was to give him babies. It was to walk in covenant relationship with him (and especially Him) all the days of her life.

Sisters, you saw it here. There's no shame in wanting to play this role in life because that's the way we were created.

                         

Embrace It
                         
Today, women don't want to seem too desperate. But to desire marriage and family is natural—and it's biblical! 

When that doesn't happen, when we don't get to live out who God created us to be, it's confusing and can cause loneliness. And then we wonder if we're crazy for feeling that way. (NOTE: You're NOT crazy! It's normal.)

So single Christian women try to cope—and for some, "cope" unfortunately means "medicate"—the best way we know how in this stage of life. That can take on all different shapes and sizes.

Some married Christian women in the church (not all, mind you, just some) continue to give us lame advice for dealing with this state of being by saying, "Jesus should be enough for you. He's all you need."

Yes, Specific Women in the Body of Christ (You Know Who You Are), we love Jesus. Yes, we follow Him. Yes, Jesus is all we need. But He also said it's not good for us to be alone (see Genesis 2:18 again). He gets it. You need to get it too.

Encourage us toward marriage. Pray for us toward that end. Many of your married Christian sisters are already doing that for us now. We need that from you as well.

                         

Where to Go From Here

                         
Ladies, maybe it's time we start embracing this God-given calling. Maybe it's time we start believing we were created for marriage and family.

Maybe it's time we ask those in our community to commit and pray for us. Maybe it's time we approach God honestly about this desire. Maybe it's time we start praying for the right single men to rise up and recognize their callings too.

I think it's time...

                         

Up Next...

                         
Oh, I'm not even close to being done. 

Click here to read "A Can of Worms: Part 2."

The Newest Love of My Life

She came bursting into the world on May 30. She was the tiniest (5-lb and some change), most beautiful, brown-skinned little love bug you've ever seen.

It took five weeks and a trek across four states for me to get to her. But when I finally did (over July 4th weekend), I fell head over heels in love.

We rocked, we laughed, we danced, we sang, we talked. That little muffin cake captured me with one look. She put a spell on me. And I haven't stopped thinking about her since.

It's funny. I never thought I could meet someone, and within 15 seconds, feel bonded for life. (I also never thought I had this many terms of endearment buried deep within me.)

But that's what happens with family. You share the same blood. You share the same hearts. You share the same name. It runs deep.

I also never believed all my auntie friends when they said how great this role is in their families. I couldn't understand why they loved their nieces and nephews so much. But now I do. I get it.

Isn't she the most precious little lamb? Don't you just want to squeeze her? Wasn't she just made to be showered in kisses?

I'm gonna teach her so much. I'm gonna love her so deeply. I'm gonna pray for her every day. I'm gonna sing to her often. I'm gonna spoil her rotten. We're basically already best friends.

World, meet my new niece, the prettiest girl I know...
Miss Penelope "Penny" Christopher.

Watch out for her. She's gonna knock your socks off for the rest of her days. Straight to Harvard—I'm calling it.

P.S. Shout out to my bro and sis-in-law for making such an amazing little person. Y'all did real good.

Daily Walk #4: The Greatest Commandment

Today’s Readings

Matthew 22:34-40; Mark 12:28-34

Key Verse

He said to him, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and most important command. The second is like it: Love you neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets depend on these two commands.”

—Matthew 22:37-40

Today’s Reflections

L is for the way you look at me.

O is for the only one I see.

V is very, very extraordinary.

E is even more than anyone that you adore can.

Love is a simple little word with a whole lot of meaning behind it. Embedded within it is so much complexity, hope, healing, and more.

First John 4:7-8 says God is love, so it’s no surprise that the greatest commands He gave us center around that one four-letter word.

So here it is—the moment you’ve been waiting for. The greatest commands of all time—spoken by Jesus himself: 1) love God and 2) love people.

That’s it. Plain and simple. Every head bowed and every eye closed before the Lord. I’ll give the invitation now. Or not. Because it’s not that simple, is it? After thousands of years, we’re still flawed and therefore flummoxed by it.

Scripture says everything depends on these two commands. Everything. They’re packed with power. They’re rich and full. The commands are simple, but we make them more than complex. So let’s unpack it and go deeper.

What does it look like to love God with all your heart, soul, and mind (plus strength, per Mark’s version)?

It’s not just saying it with your mouth and following it up with a good deed. It’s committing your will, affections, and understanding to Him—your physical, emotional, and mental capacities—every fiber of your being.

It’s a passionate, fierce, unwavering allegiance to the Most High. It’s a promise to remain faithful when your circumstances lure you in the opposite direction. It’s trusting He knows best even when you don’t understand.

Like marriage, it’s for better or worse, for richer or poorer. It’s committing your life to Him in covenant and placing Him above all else—above your spouse, children, job, desires, stuff, status, relationships, culture, experiences, feelings, knowledge, everything.

But wait, there’s more. The second command is like the first: love people just like you love yourself.

Ewww. Yuck. Ouch. Uncomfortable. Who wants to do that in a self-saturated society like ours? It’s easier to just mind our own business. It’s easier to plug our headphones in and tune the world out. It’s easier to avoid eye contact and pretend we didn’t see them.

But it must be done because it’s important to Him. And what’s important to Him should be important to us.

All obedience begins with a fierce love for Jesus first. That means you put you aside. You take a step back in line and let Him lead. Then you take another step back and get out of the way so others can get closer and see Him clearly.

So there you have it. Love God. Love people. Simple enough, right?

Daily Walk #3: Being Good vs. Better

Today’s Readings

Luke 10:38-42

Key Verse

The Lord answered her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has made the right choice, and it will not be taken away from her.”

—Luke 10:41-42

Reflections 

Several years ago, if you’d looked up “church lady” in the dictionary, you would’ve found my picture next to the definition. But I came by it honestly. Thank you very much.

It was an easy pattern to fall into. Growing up, the ladies in my small-town church were busy little bees for Jesus, serving every day of the week, running to and fro. And I wanted so badly to impress Jesus with all my skills too.

Before I knew it, as an adult, I was in three Beth Moore Bible Studies, leading two high school girls small groups, cooking 50 meals for the sick each week, playing greeter on Sunday mornings, and offering myself up to be a martyr in a remote village in Africa.

OK…maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration. But that’s what it felt like!

Then I crashed and burned. It was bad—real bad. I was exhausted. I quit everything. I decided to simply sit at Jesus’ feet, soaking Him in, just BEING in His presence. And that changed my heart and life—just like it did Mary’s from today’s story.

Can’t you picture Martha? She was distracted by her tasks—trying to make everything PERFECT for Jesus. Giving Mary the evil-eye from the doorway, she frantically tried motioning her back into the kitchen. Then frazzled, she finally approached Jesus.

“Lord, I need help. I’ve got eight casseroles in the oven, the table needs to be set, the glasses haven’t been filled, and the bread still needs to bake. My hands are full. Don’t you care that Mary’s not helping me? Tell her to get up off her behind and DO something!”

And what did classic, kind, gentle-hearted Jesus say? (Love this man so much.) “Martha, chill out. You’re getting all worked up over nothing when only one thing truly matters—ME. What Mary’s doing is right and good. Don’t take that away from her.”

First things first, here me say this: serving the Lord isn’t wrong. Let me repeat it: serving the Lord isn’t wrong. One more time for good measure: serving the Lord isn’t wrong.

Second, Jesus didn’t condemn Martha. He appreciated her warm hospitality and kindness. However, He was firm-but-gentle when He spoke, pointing out something that was good and something that was even better.

Martha wanted to give Jesus her TIME. Mary wanted to give Jesus her HEART.

Life is obviously busy for all of us—and the world tells us to live in that mode. But Jesus says, “Stop. Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Sweet relief, right? Do it! You know you want to.

Serving Him is good. Sitting at His feet is way better.

Daily Walk #2: Baptism

Scripture Passage:

Matthew 3:13-17; Mark 1:9-11; Luke 3:21-23

Key Verse:

Jesus answered him, “Allow it for now, because this is the way for us to fulfill all righteousness.” Then he allowed Him to be baptized.

—Matthew 3:15

Reflections:

My daddy is a preacher. That means I was your typical PK growing up. I had 47 sets of parents and/or grandparents (all who had permission to discipline me when needed) and 94 eyes watching my every move at all times.

That also means I got all the perks of being a PK. You know, getting into the communion grape juice when I shouldn’t have, running full-speed and yelling through the halls of the church after hours, and—my personal favorite—helping my dad fill the baptistery on Saturday evenings.

I was a pro at baptizing because I’d seen my dad do it so much. I mean, I dunked my little brother in the public swimming pool every summer no less than 723 times each year—all in the name of “the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.”

As an adult, some of my dad’s best ministry stories include that which happened during baptisms. Like the time he put a woman under the water and when she came back up, her wig was floating on the surface. Or the time when he immersed a very large woman and, even with the help of a deacon, it took 15 minutes to get her back up.

My favorite story was when he went to fill the baptistery one Saturday night and realized someone must have just done the deed, but the plug in the bottom had come out. To stop it from draining, he shucked every stitch of clothing he had on, climbed into the weighters, and dove in to stop it.

Just as he was coming up out of the water, he heard something move in the darkened sanctuary. He stepped out and ran smack dab into one of the little old ladies who’d come to get her Sunday School lesson for the next morning.

I’ll never forget what my dad said about that day: “There I was, with nothing between me and glory but those weighters.”

I laugh thinking about those stories, but one thing I always noticed about baptisms was that my dad made sure they happened at the beginning of each service. It was a focal point in worship, a celebration, a chance to witness someone literally following in the footsteps of Jesus.

Back in the day, John was reluctant to baptize Jesus because of His sinless nature. But Jesus had to complete this step in order for “all righteousness” to be complete, so He could identify with the people He came to save (see 2 Corinthians 5:21).

As a result, throughout the gospels, we see that God publicly declared Jesus’ Sonship and His delight in Him because of His obedience in baptism. And that’s why He’s the example we’re to follow.

When you dig deep into baptism you come out with the Greek word baptizo, which literally means “to make clean with water; to immerse; to overwhelm; to identify with.” No—water doesn’t save. Jesus does. But being baptized symbolizes what’s happened in your heart through salvation, and it brings about your righteousness through Him.

I like how Pastor Mike says it best: “If you want to be like Jesus, you walk like He walks, talk like He talks, think like He thinks, do what He does.”