kaylan preuss: How much is that doggy in the window?

I love her. Really, I do.

But she growls incessantly—like NON-STOP. Who knows what she's saying? But if I had my guess, it wouldn't be pretty...

And she wig-wag zig-zags her fanny all over my house like she owns the place.

And she likes to dig through the trash can and ingest whatever's inside. And by whatever, I mean WHATEVER. Sick.

And she hates other dogs. Like wants to bite their faces off if they sniff too close. Not nice.

And she regularly loses her mind and tries to dig a hole all the way to China—through my carpet.

And she'd sell her ~~soul~~ owner for a handful of marshmallows or an Oscar Mayer wiener.

And she prefers to lie on her back 24/7 so someone—ANYONE—will rub her belly. (For the record—I sure as heck didn't teach her that trick.)

A few days ago, I took her for a walk and found her nosing around the grass. She came up for air crunching on something, looking like she'd just hit the candy jackpot.

I stepped a little closer and found her nibbling on a large pile of...DEER POOP. GAG. ME.

My prissy little bucktooth pup was snacking on wild animal pellets. It's not like I don't feed her face every day! Just another notch in her belt of things that irritate the FIRE out of me.

After scrubbing her gums until they bled and lacing her water bowl with Listerine... (Kidding!)

I do joke a lot about giving her up because of these types of shenanigans. Some days, I swear I'm going to lock her out and see if she can find herself a new home.

But I really wouldn't trade the little monster for anything. She's priceless. She's a good friend—and has been for 7.5 years.

So here's to Mia and her deer-poop-eating, trash-digging, ugly-face-growling, only-uses-me-for-what-she-can-get-out-of-me ways... Cheers!

"Lady, get these dang bows out of my hair and I'll show you what you can do with them..."

The day I ripped her from her Poppy and Grammy's arms after her 3-month stay in their home (where she also gained 17,000 pounds and got hooked on human food). She was mad. Real mad.