Ever since I was little, I’ve always had a fear of being alone. I think it all stems from one particular experience I had as a child. You see, I was a sneaky kid. My mom had to literally put extra bolts on the doors and watch me like a hawk because I would figure out ways to unlock them and get out of the house and into the streets.
Once, when I was five, I woke up in the middle of the night to discover that the house was empty and I was left all alone. To this day, I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion. Maybe I was sleepwalking and dreamed it.
Nonetheless, I got scared. I put my little coat on over my nightgown, finagled my way through unbolting the locks on the front door, and set out to find someone—anyone—who could explain what was going on. I walked down our road (we lived in a very small town, so we were somewhat in the country) to find the first house I could get to.
It was scary enough that it was at midnight when I decided to take off on this little jaunt, but even scarier was the fact that our neighbors were extremely sketchy. And the first house I came to was full of sketchiness. I really don’t know how to explain it to you except that they were extreme hillbillies with very few teeth, they smelled bad, and they were all sitting in rocking chairs around the furnace in their living room when I knocked on the door. I’m not kidding. This is what I remember as a child.
I remember sitting on one lady’s lap for quite a while as she rocked me. It wasn’t long before my sweet daddy came frantically banging on the door looking for his little girl. I was never so glad to run into my dad’s arms and just stay there. He carried me safely home, squeezing me close.
Now, lying in bed some nights or randomly hanging out by myself, my mind rolls through a billion thoughts—a few of which choke me up sometimes: The fear of being left alone on this earth. The thought of losing my parents one day. The thought of dying alone in a nursing home somewhere.
When I let fear overwhelm me as a child growing up, I’d always run straight into my daddy’s and mama's arms and cry through the fear. As a child, my dad would always say, “Kaylan, the Bible says God will never leave you or forsake you,” “Sis, you won’t be left alone. God is always with you,” or “God won’t abandon you, Sis. The Bible promises you He won’t.”
Last night was no different. I started thinking about how fast time is passing. That led to me thinking about how precious time with my family is. Then that led to me thinking my parents time left on earth is limited and I live so far away from them. And that led to me thinking I might be left all alone one day.
God has blessed me with a GREAT dad who loves me unconditionally, who I know has given me a small glimpse of just how much my heavenly Father adores and loves me. So, I called my daddy, the pastor, and asked him to pray for me about this for the fifteen millioneth time. My dad prayed that God would comfort me once again before I went to sleep.
I decided I would just read one section before going to sleep since I hadn’t finished all of chapter three from our book a few weeks ago. So I opened to pages 34-35 and read the section titled, “Watch God.” At the end of the section, Kay said, “Instead they hear His promise: ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you, so that you can boldly say, ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not fear.’”
Revolutionary! It’s so sweet to hear God speak loud and clear when you need it most. This section of chapter three spoke to so many areas of my life—my desire for a husband and family one day, my need to trust in His ways always (even when I don’t understand them), and my assurance that He will always be with me. I was finally able to go to sleep last night—in peace—praising God for these reminders.
Each girl in my small group is taking one verse a week and memorizing it. So the verse I’ll be memorizing in full this week? “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid’” (Hebrews 13:5-6).
