These are dark times...

The last few weeks I "feel" like I've been wandering around aimlessly in the dark regarding what God wants me to do next. And then there are days when I "feel" like God has just flown me out to a desert, dropped me off in the middle of it, and vanished into thin air. I have been left with no direction, no road signs, and no compass to point me in one direction or another.

Take your pick...either scenario will fit my life at this point.

But, certainly a little wiser than I was even a year ago, I now know that feelings are fickle and faith is foundation in the life of the believer. And I know that God hasn't actually left me like I am "feeling." Instead, maybe He's just waiting for me to quit asking "why" and "what for" so that He can speak.

I was doing my devotional and reading the Bible this morning and came across the story of Hagar and Abraham in Genesis 16-17: "Abram was 86-years-old when Hagar bore him Ishmael (Gen. 16:16). When Abram was 99-years-old, the Lord appeared to him and said, 'I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.' Abram fell facedown [before God]..." (Gen. 17:1-3).
Does this mean that, after the plan involving Hagar and Sarah backfired, Abraham lived in darkness for 13 years before He heard from the Lord again?

That's kind of scary to me. But I don't think that God was just mad at Abraham and therefore decided not to talk to him for a while. I think He wanted to teach Abraham some discipline. Not only that, but he wanted Abraham to quit being so self-reliant and start trusting in Him for his future.

If you've read the story, then you know that because of Sarai's and Abram's impatience, they went ahead and did their own thing in starting a family instead of waiting upon the Lord.

Let this be a lesson to us all. Do you rely on people more than God for wisdom and direction? Do you rely on self-help books or the latest psychological trends to help you figure out life? Do you trust in your friends and family more than the Lord? I hate to admit it...but, I know I do sometimes.

I want to surrender to Him. I want to be broken before Him (which is another completely scary topic for me). I want Him to know that I don't need anyone else to be satisfied in this life. I want to come to the place where I can honestly say, "There is no one else in this world for me but You, my God!"

When will I ever come to the place where my total dependence is in the Lord? After He has to discipline me and teach me a few lessons over 13 years like Abraham? It's settled then. Even now when I don't understand what's going on..."feeling" all alone and scared...I'm going to have faith that He knows and is in control.

In the meantime, I'm simply going to wait patiently on God to shine His light (according to His timing) and lead me out of this present darkness.

You Selfish Thing

We are such selfish beings.

How often do we pray, "Lord, help me with this or that," or "Lord, quench my thirst and satisfy me, me, me!?" It's always about me...me...me in my relationship with the Lord. Is it that way with your relationship with Him?

I forget that my ultimate goal should be to please Him...in serving Him certainly, but not foremost, because then I would be putting my service to Jesus before Jesus Himself. (If that makes any sense whatsoever.)

Instead, I need to live in total devotion to Jesus alone...through not by my actions, attitudes, words, thoughts, life, so on. My relationship with Him is not to be a one-way street.

I guess it's a subconscious thing for me. I don't even realize how much I talk to the Lord about my needs and wants every day. Like they are really so much more important that the praise and devotion from me that He deserves.

Check this out:
Jesus said to the woman at the well, "Give Me a drink" (John 4:7).
Jesus speaking to the disciples: "You shall be witnesses to Me..." (Acts 1:8).

Do you see? It's all about HIM! My dilemma is all a part of my selfish, sinful human nature. I need to work on how much more can I honor, bless, and satisfy Jesus in my life, instead of the other way around.

Forgive my ramblings. I'm working these things out in my heart and head. Just thought I would share the tangled web of thoughts in my brain.

Psalm 3: Confidence in Troubled Times

Lord, how my foes increase!
There are many who attack me.
Many say about me,
'There is no help for [her] in God.'

...But You, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, and the One who lifts up my head.
I cry aloud to the Lord, and He answers me
from His holy mountain.

I lie down and sleep;
I wake again because the Lord sustains me.
I am not afraid of the thousands of people
who have taken their stand against me on every side.

Rise up, Lord! Save me, my God!
You strike all my enemies on the cheek;
You break the teeth of the wicked.
Salvation belongs to the Lord; may Your blessing be on Your people.

Hi ho! Hi ho...

Isn't it funny how right when you think you're settled in a good spot on solid ground, God rips the rug right out from under you? You're sent flying through the air only to land on your back with the wind knocked out of you.

I'm feeling pretty beat down right now. Don't worry...God has provided alternatives for work and I know He's in control. I may think I walked out into the unknown, but He was waiting on the other side with the gift of provision wrapped up in a box with a pretty bow on top.

So...with all this excitement and new stuff happening, why am I not excited? Why do I just feel exhausted and worn out? Why am I not ecstatic to see what's waiting around the corner? Maybe in God's efforts to slap me into submission and shove faith in my face I'm just........well.......tired. (Or...maybe I just need a nap.)

Is it OK to be completely tired of Him testing my faith? Is it OK to want to step off the roller coaster of life and regain my balance? Is it alright to want to stop running this marathon for just a minute, take a breather, and relax on the sidelines?

I know the Bible says, "...Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, schorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 12:1-2).

So then what in the world am I going on about? I don't have a clue either.

I'm whining about feeling a little spent at the moment, yet I forget that in the midst of his ministry the Lord Jesus Christ had the rug pulled out from beneath His feet. But instead of whining about His situation, He pressed on with what God had called Him to do--He suffered through a brutal beating, was savagely nailed to a cross, and carried the shame of my sin for all to see.

Things will get better...this I know for sure. Starting now, I will fix my eyes upon the Lord, quit my whining, and thank Him for those who ran a difficult race before me with perseverance and faith. Then I'll pick up my cross again and keep running.

Untitled

It has been an incredibly crazy and almost unbelievable past two days. I'm not really sure what God is doing in my life right now. I am feeling:

• Discouraged, yet empowered.
• Fearful, yet filled with hope.
• Uncertain, yet reminded to have faith.
• Betrayed by some, yet encouraged by others.
• Very alone, yet comforted because I know He is by my side.
• Anxious, yet full of peace as I wait for the next step.
• Nervous, yet excited about what's going to happen in the days ahead.

I am back to where I started a year ago...but I know how to handle the situation now...by faith. I am able to identify with Abraham once again: "By faith, Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to the place which he would receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8).

I have faith in God's promises...that "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28). And I'm trusting the Lord with all my heart, and trying not to lean on my own understanding or figure out what to do by myself. I'm doing my best to wait and listen for His guidance. I know He'll lead me in the right direction (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Lessons Learned

***Prepare yourself...this is going to be a long post.***

I am always incredibly amazed when I come upon a new year and look back over the last. I can see times when God carried me through difficulties and I couldn't even see it at the time...and there are times when He lifted me up and I neglected to praise Him for it.

This past year, God has truly taught me the meaning of faith. And while I am certainly no expert on the topic...I have never come face-to-face with it like I did this past year. There were three tests of faith in 2005 that taught me what it means to completely trust in God:

TEST OF FAITH #1
I began the year in a part-time position with my church. By God's sovereign providential hand I was "let go" because the position was no longer needed and then invited back only a few days later to a revamped position of the same sorts.

I can remember my heart and soul were completely torn as to what to do. Should I take the job that I didn't feel peace about in my heart and remain financially secure? Or should I step out into the unknown (into insecurity...or so I thought) and follow God's calling?

I sought wisdom and counsel from everyone I knew, but no one had an answer for me. Could it have been that I was not seeking guidance from the One who had all the answers? Probably.

I had one semester of seminary left in January 2005 and no other jobs lined up, but God was telling me, "Kaylan, just trust me. Have I ever left you? Have you ever gone hungry or without clothes? Have you ever lived without a roof over your head? I've got all of this under control. Just have faith in Me."

So I did. I made the biggest leap of faith on January 14, 2005 that I have ever in my entire life. I turned down the position and moved into the unknown...literally...no job, no money, no security. Shortly after, I found a profound verse in the Bible and it hit me.

"It was by faith that Abraham obeyed when God called him to leave home and go to another land that God would give him as his inheritance. He went without knowing where he was going" (Hebrews 11:8).

He wanted me to obey Him by faith, leave my comfort zone, and venture out into the unknown. When I made this decision...the most incredible rush of peace overwhelmed my soul. I couldn't have made a better decision by faith.

I am still dumbfounded by how it happened (it was truly God), but I was able to survive above and beyond what I could've ever imagined throughout the spring semester on freelance writing jobs. My God totally took care of me and this event truly changed my life. I'll never forget it.

Indeed, God knew exactly what He was doing. Now that I look back, I never would have been able to make it through writing and editing my thesis and preparing for oral exams with my thesis committee had it not been for that step of faith. This 6-month trek as a freelance writer allowed me ample time to complete my project and graduate in May with no worries.

TEST OF FAITH #2
I was still without a full-time job on graduation day from seminary and told the Lord I really desired one. But He said, "Kaylan...stop being so bossy! I know what I'm doing. When are you ever going to learn that I'm ALWAYS in control? Not just some of the time...I am the constant in your life."

So I submitted myself to prayer and seeking the Lord through His Word. Sure enough...He came through as He always does.

Just a week after graduation I was offered a full-time position with PowerPoint Ministries as the Senior Writer and Editor. Again...this was better than I ever imagined.

How could I ever doubt that God was in control going forward, right? How could I ever again believe that He would need MY help to accomplish any task that comes along? Well, it took one more test to teach me.

TEST OF FAITH #3
This last fall...with no seminary holding me back, a good job in my pocket, and it just being me and the Lord against the world...I began to feel lonlier than ever for some reason and really wanted the companionship of another.

So I specifically prayed, "God, I am ready for a husband now. The timing is perfect for me...so any day now that you want to bring him along would be great. And if you have no plans to introduce us anytime soon...at least let me know that I am still date-worthy and that you haven't left me. Give me a sign that there is still someone out there for me..."

In a desperate and foolish attempt to move on with my life because I'd received no immediate answer from God, I decided to take matters into my own hands, but it obviously didn't turn out as I expected.

I learned that:
1) HIS timing is perfect...not mine. But in the midst of my crushed hopes for a husband, He answered my prayer above and confirmed that indeed He hasn't left me and I AM still date-worthy. Praise God!

2) For me, the answer was not to rely on a computer-generated matching system to pair me up with the right fellow. Instead, God was telling me, "Just trust me, Kaylan. Please quit trying to do this yourself. Only I know what's best for you."

3) God produces blessings out of disappointments. As a result of this failed eHarmony relationship and the contacts of this guy I met, my brother now has a chance to intern with the Texas Rangers (a lifelong dream and he graduates in May). Wow!

CONCLUSION
All-in-all, I have really learned to believe in the age-old hymn, "Trust and obey for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey." That's all He wants from me as a believer in Him...trust, love, and obedience.

I am by no means an expert on faith...and I still struggle very much with it, but I think my faith is now stronger. If I can make these three things top priorities in my daily walk with Him, then He'll continue to work miracles in my life and bless me beyond imagination.

As I enter this new year...I certainly have a different outlook than I did last year. Not only am I able to look back over the last year's events and be excited about what God is going to do in the coming year, but I can face the days and months ahead saying, "Whatever comes my way in this year and beyond...good or bad...I will trust and obey You, for You are in control—Almighty God, Sovereign Creator, Faithful Provider, Precious Savior, Lover of my soul, the Great I AM."

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ON FAITH
"For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes--Jews first and also Gentiles. This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, 'It is through faith that a righteous person has life'" (Romans 1:16-17, NLT).

"So then faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17, NKJV).

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7, NKJV).

"I myself no longer live, but Christ lives in me. So I live my life in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20, NLT).

"So Jesus said to them, '...If you have faith as a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you'" (Matthew 17:20, NKJV).