Beautiful

My prayer today:

Here, before your altar, I am letting go of all I've held—of every motive, every burden, every thing that's of myself. I just want to wait on you, my God. I just want to dwell on who you are.

Beautiful, beautiful—I am lost for more to say. Beautiful, beautiful—Lord, you're beautiful to me.

Here, in your presence, I am not afraid of brokenness, to wash your feet with humble tears. I would be poured out until nothing is left. I just want to wait on you, my God. I just want to dwell on who you are.

Beautiful, beautiful—I am lost for more to say. Beautiful, beautiful—Lord, you're beautiful to me.

Holy, holy, holy—you are, you are. Holy, holy, holy—you are, you are. Holy, holy, holy—you are, you are.

(Kari Jobe, "Beautiful")

My Biggest Sacrifice

I've been wrestling with God over a couple of issues for about a year. I don't mean a controlled verbal debate. I mean I've been acting like a 6-year-old child who isn't getting her way.

He's been trying to teach me patience and faith, asking me to specifically follow his instructions, but I've been kicking and screaming, yelling, "I want it now! Why not now? Why don't you just bless me now!"

It's actually kind of ridiculous behavior. But it's had to be this way for me to come to this point. I'm the spoiled brat not getting her way, and He's the understanding Father trying to teach his kid a life lesson.

Just a few years ago, I wrote about how much I related to Abraham. It was when I was living in the Houston area. It was my wilderness experience. It was the time I had to blindly walk by faith and trust God when he said, "Go to this place," even though I was scared. Now, I'm relating to Abraham the same way in a different part of his story.

Since I was five years old, I can remember playing with Barbies and knowing that one day I would have a Ken and live in a dream house with two kids, a dog, and cat. That's just how it was. My whole life has been centered around this idea of marriage and family. I've made it a part of my life without it ever even existing.

So as I've gotten older to my current stage of life as a 29-year-old single woman, I've been frustrated that he hasn't followed my life plan and given me exactly what I wanted when I asked for it. I had it all mapped out. I would be married by 26, have my first child by 28, and own a home by 30. Instead, he asked me last summer to lay that big dream on the altar and stick a knife in it.

I've read Genesis 22 over and over again—slow, fast, in various translations. My favorite translation is in the New Living Translation.I've come to a few conclusions about this situation:

1. Some time later, God tested Abraham’s faith. “Abraham!” God called.

"Yes," he replied. "Here I am."

God liked to test Abraham's faith—a lot—didn't he? It almost seemed to be God's twisted way of messing with Abraham every now and then, just to see if he'd screw up. I feel like that sometimes. Sometimes I get tired of God's tests of my faith. I just want a summer break every now and then. But, alas, we all know that God tests our faith for good reasons and to grow us.

2. “Take your son, your only son—yes, Isaac, whom you love so much—and go to the land of Moriah. Go and sacrifice him as a burnt offering on one of the mountains, which I will show you.”

Can you imagine what Abraham thought when God asked him to sacrifice Isaac—his "son whom he loved so much"? I'll bet Abraham was confused/ticked off. Why wouldn't God have asked him to sacrifice something easy, like a ram, a sheep, or even some luxuries in life? Why his beloved son?

I can relate. I have begged God over and over to take something else. I've even gone so far as to offer up myself as a lifelong foreign missionary, never to enjoy Tex-Mex, cable television, or shopping sprees again, just so I could keep my dream—the dream that I love so much.

3. The next morning Abraham got up early. He saddled his donkey and took two of his servants with him, along with his son, Isaac. Then he chopped wood for a fire for a burnt offering and set out for the place God had told him about.

I know it seems like Abraham was quick to run and chop up some firewood so he could rush his son to the sacrificial altar, but don't let the lack of details in this passage fool you. There's no way he sprinted to Moriah. He probably took his time going up the mountain so he could savor a few last moment with Isaac. Along the way, I'm sure he thought over and over, "God, are you sure you want me to do this? This seems like the craziest idea you've ever had. Maybe I didn't hear you correctly."

It's taken me nearly a year to make it up the mountain. At first, I thought I could rush up and shove it on the altar because God really wouldn't take it from me. Instead, he would provide me with exactly what I wanted in its place. But I was wrong. He really does want this precious dream of mine—every piece of it. And I've sauntered up the side of the mountain for a long while, hesitating all along the way, clutching it tight in my arms, and wondering if I shouldn't just turn around and carry it back to the bottom.

4. On the third day of their journey, Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. “Stay here with the donkey,” Abraham told the servants. “The boy and I will travel a little farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back.”

After a year, I'm now standing where Abraham was. I can see the altar from here. So why can't I just walk up and lay it down? I don't know yet. God has worked me over all the way here. I've had to worship him the whole way up.

I do know that on this journey, I've gotten rid of some things—insecurities, issues that weren't yet resolved, things from my past—that I otherwise would've held on to. These were the things I needed to get rid of to make it to the top.

The most incredible times of worship—when I have never felt God's presence more—were the times it was just me and Him. The times I felt the greatest pain in my life. I can imagine Abraham was feeling some incredible pain as he escorted his son up the mountain, but knew that he would worship in his agony when he reached the top.

It seems as though the pain of this journey has increased the farther along I go. I know that it's coming. Soon I'll have to let go of this dream. When that time comes in just a short while, I'll be in pain. And in that pain, I'll worship.

5. So Abraham placed the wood for the burnt offering on Isaac’s shoulders, while he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them walked on together, Isaac turned to Abraham and said, “Father?”

“Yes, my son?” Abraham replied.

“We have the fire and the wood,” the boy said, “but where is the sheep for the burnt offering?”

“God will provide a sheep for the burnt offering, my son,” Abraham answered. And they both walked on together.

So many pictures run through my mind in these verses: 1) that Isaac, the sacrifice, carried his own cross to the place he was to die, just as Jesus did, 2) that Abraham would put him there and plunge the knife into his heart, just as our sin nailed Jesus to the cross, and 3) how true Abraham's words were—that God did, indeed, provide the Lamb of God to be sacrificed for our sins.

But I also questioned what Abraham meant here. Was he just confident that God would come through with a substitute? Or was he just trying to avoid panic and hysteria in his son when he found out he would be the sacrifice?

I don't know what God means for me. The outcome is uncertain. However, I do know that God's grace is enough for whatever happens. I do know that he, in his providence, will still reign supreme in my life. I do know that I am grateful for the sacrifice Jesus made for me on the cross.

6. When they arrived at the place where God had told him to go, Abraham built an altar and arranged the wood on it. Then he tied his son, Isaac, and laid him on the altar on top of the wood. And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice. At that moment the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Yes,” Abraham replied. “Here I am!”

“Don’t lay a hand on the boy!” the angel said. “Do not hurt him in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God. You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son.”

I understand why God wants this from me. I've made it my idol. I've been like a little child, clutching her favorite baby doll, pouting and yelling, "It's mine! Not yours!" It's defined my life for 29 years. I've lost part of my identity to it.

Ultimately, my identity only lies in Christ. He's the only one that provides the definition for who I am in this world. He wants my total devotion. I prayed for brokenness on January 1, 2006 and he's worked his way in my life up to this point. He needs a direct line to me with nothing else standing in the way. And I'm willing to go there.

7. Then Abraham looked up and saw a ram caught by its horns in a thicket. So he took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering in place of his son. Abraham named the place Yahweh-Yireh (which means “the Lord will provide”). To this day, people still use that name as a proverb: “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”

Then the angel of the Lord called again to Abraham from heaven. “This is what the Lord says: Because you have obeyed me and have not withheld even your son, your only son, I swear by my own name that I will certainly bless you. I will multiply your descendants beyond number, like the stars in the sky and the sand on the seashore. Your descendants will conquer the cities of their enemies. And through your descendants all the nations of the earth will be blessed—all because you have obeyed me."

I've selfishly held on to this dream for a long time. In my mind, it's always belonged to me. But, God asked for it and I said, "OK." And it's been a long process giving it up.I don't know what will happen next—whether he'll lick it up and consume it with fire, provide a substitute and bless me for my obedience, or do something completely out of the ordinary that I never thought of (which is usually what happens).

Whatever the outcome, he'll provide what I need and I'll be satisfied—even if it hurts. I've realized I'm too stupid to figure out my own life. I just keep screwing my "plans" up. I'm willing to let go of ALL the reigns and give him control. I'll trust and obey no matter what happens.

Jesus is 1st, 2nd, 3rd...

Jesus said, "That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?"
—Matthew 6:25-27

A small excerpt from my daily reading of Oswald Chambers. Such good stuff:

"Jesus did teach that His disciple must make his relationship with God the dominating focus of his life, and to be cautiously carefree about everything else in comparison to that. In essence, Jesus was saying, 'Don’t make food and drink the controlling factor of your life, but be focused absolutely on God.' Some people are careless about what they eat and drink, and they suffer for it; they are careless about what they wear, having no business looking the way they do; they are careless with their earthly matters, and God holds them responsible. Jesus is saying that the greatest concern of life is to place our relationship with God first, and everything else second. It is one of the most difficult, yet critical, disciplines of the Christian life to allow the Holy Spirit to bring us into absolute harmony with the teaching of Jesus in these verses."

I will never leave you...

Ever since I was little, I’ve always had a fear of being alone. I think it all stems from one particular experience I had as a child. You see, I was a sneaky kid. My mom had to literally put extra bolts on the doors and watch me like a hawk because I would figure out ways to unlock them and get out of the house and into the streets.

Once, when I was five, I woke up in the middle of the night to discover that the house was empty and I was left all alone. To this day, I'm not sure how I came to that conclusion. Maybe I was sleepwalking and dreamed it.

Nonetheless, I got scared. I put my little coat on over my nightgown, finagled my way through unbolting the locks on the front door, and set out to find someone—anyone—who could explain what was going on. I walked down our road (we lived in a very small town, so we were somewhat in the country) to find the first house I could get to.

It was scary enough that it was at midnight when I decided to take off on this little jaunt, but even scarier was the fact that our neighbors were extremely sketchy. And the first house I came to was full of sketchiness. I really don’t know how to explain it to you except that they were extreme hillbillies with very few teeth, they smelled bad, and they were all sitting in rocking chairs around the furnace in their living room when I knocked on the door. I’m not kidding. This is what I remember as a child.

I remember sitting on one lady’s lap for quite a while as she rocked me. It wasn’t long before my sweet daddy came frantically banging on the door looking for his little girl. I was never so glad to run into my dad’s arms and just stay there. He carried me safely home, squeezing me close.

Now, lying in bed some nights or randomly hanging out by myself, my mind rolls through a billion thoughts—a few of which choke me up sometimes: The fear of being left alone on this earth. The thought of losing my parents one day. The thought of dying alone in a nursing home somewhere.

When I let fear overwhelm me as a child growing up, I’d always run straight into my daddy’s and mama's arms and cry through the fear. As a child, my dad would always say, “Kaylan, the Bible says God will never leave you or forsake you,” “Sis, you won’t be left alone. God is always with you,” or “God won’t abandon you, Sis. The Bible promises you He won’t.”

Last night was no different. I started thinking about how fast time is passing. That led to me thinking about how precious time with my family is. Then that led to me thinking my parents time left on earth is limited and I live so far away from them. And that led to me thinking I might be left all alone one day.

God has blessed me with a GREAT dad who loves me unconditionally, who I know has given me a small glimpse of just how much my heavenly Father adores and loves me. So, I called my daddy, the pastor, and asked him to pray for me about this for the fifteen millioneth time. My dad prayed that God would comfort me once again before I went to sleep.

I decided I would just read one section before going to sleep since I hadn’t finished all of chapter three from our book a few weeks ago. So I opened to pages 34-35 and read the section titled, “Watch God.” At the end of the section, Kay said, “Instead they hear His promise: ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you, so that you can boldly say, ‘The Lord is my helper, I will not fear.’”

Revolutionary! It’s so sweet to hear God speak loud and clear when you need it most. This section of chapter three spoke to so many areas of my life—my desire for a husband and family one day, my need to trust in His ways always (even when I don’t understand them), and my assurance that He will always be with me. I was finally able to go to sleep last night—in peace—praising God for these reminders.

Each girl in my small group is taking one verse a week and memorizing it. So the verse I’ll be memorizing in full this week? “God has said, ‘Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.’ So we say with confidence, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid’” (Hebrews 13:5-6).

Give me my daily bread

As a kid, I used to think Jesus' prayer for daily bread in Matthew 6:11 literally referred to three square meals a day. And it does. But I've come to realize that it goes beyond that.

I've been learning a lot about what my daily bread looks like. It crosses lines of activities in my life—training for the 1/2 marathon in 2009, waiting for what God has in store, dieting, relationships, etc.

And I've been trying to make a habit of getting up every morning and letting the first words out of my mouth be, "Give me what I need from You for today. I'm not going to dwell on yesterday or worry about tomorrow. I'm only focused on living for You today and understanding your grace is sufficient for right now."

I think we get so caught up in the "what's to come" that we waste time not living fully right now. It's reassuring to know that he is enough for each day. He gives me what I need to live for him in this moment. I can trust that he is truly in control and my past, present, and future is in his hands.

Growing older and, hopefully, wiser

I love where I'm at in life. I love my friends. I love where God has me right now. But lately, I've really been evaluating my life.

It's really been a combination of things: Will I ever get married? Are my decisions the smartest I can make for a healthy lifestyle? I'm 28 and single...why not just leave where I'm at and go live in Italy for a year? Where will I be in 10 years? How should I prepare for that?

I guess this all came about when I got a recent invitation to my 10-year high school reunion. It made me think about how far I've come...and ironically, what I've accomplished during that time. I wasted so many years on being the most popular and fitting into the A-crowd that I missed out on serving God completely...with my entire life. And now, I obsess sometimes with making sure I'm always on track with Him.

Today, my number one desire is to serve Him--wherever, whenever, and however He calls me to. But life reflection always causes me to take a hard look at where I'm at and what I'm doing. It causes me to ask myself: Am I doing everything I can to glorify the Lord with my life? Am I being too lazy to connect people to Jesus every day? What more could I be doing to impact the kingdom?

All good questions, but sometimes I don't have a clear answer...right now, today.

The biggest questions I've been pondering (probably like every other single girl my age) are: Am I ever going to get married? Or am I going to stay single for the rest of my life? If I'm going to remain single, how should I be stepping out and taking risks? If God is going to bring someone into my life, how do I need to be preparing to be the best wife and ministry partner to that person?

I go through periods where I ask these same questions over and over. This time, I've been doing some serious research in Scripture lately and lots of praying...seeking out answers (because that's what I do).

I decided to get some wise counsel from a few trusted spiritual mentors on this issue. I explained my situation and my desire to know clear answers as to which way I should be preparing myself to one person in particular. He gave me the best advice.

He said, "Kaylan, it doesn't matter which way you go. At all times, you should be serving God and pursuing Him...that's all that matters. That means you asking Him every day for your daily bread--not tomorrow's, not yesterday's--just today's and He'll supply. You're not promised tomorrow, so seek His kingdom first (meaning seek Him first) today, and all these things shall be added to your life."

I realized in that moment that I had lost sight of the most important thing...pursuing God...with everything I am and all that I do. I get so wrapped up in doing "things/activites" to please God that I forget to daily seek Him, spend time with Him, and give Him the praise He deserves. I forget that He just wants me, my time, and my devotion. And I forget to heed the advice of my Daddy: "Trust and obey, for there's no other way to be happy in Jesus..."

Lesson learned in August 2008: Pursue God passionately, ask Him to supply my needs in this moment, and know that He'll give me what I need today (and maybe some of those answers in His time).

Seeking God, Part 4

In 2006, God broke me—but I asked for it. I lost my job. I was poor—in spirit and my pockets. My grandfather died. I began to slip again spiritually. And God told me to leave my family and friends in Dallas—my comfort zone—and go to serve him at a suburban church just southwest of Houston. All within the first six months!

I remember my second interview with the south Texas church very well. I was resentful toward God for even asking me to show up. And afterward, in my hotel room, most of the rest of my evening was filled with wailing, weeping, rending of clothes, gnashing of teeth, and my frantic pleas, begging God not to make me go.

In my spiritual growth journey, one thing I have learned is: trust and obey. Yes, that’s the title to an old hymn you might recognize and words that I continue to live by today. So I did just that. In July 2006, I left my homeland and ventured, by faith, to a land unknown.

If you’re waiting for me to share a land-flowing-with-milk-and-honey kind of ending here, you won’t get it. That’s not exactly what happened over the next year. Without my dependencies, I was alone like never before, so the only person I had to turn to was God.

I thought: A-ha! I knew this was going to happen. He fooled me. He did all of this just so He could get me alone with Him?! Wait. He wants me all to Himself? He doesn’t want me to focus on anything or anyone other than Him?

This realization didn’t immediately cure my loneliness. I spent much of that year in the same position I was in at the hotel during my second interview. Countless nights, I lay facedown on the living room floor of my apartment and cried myself to sleep. But I soon realized that my sessions of sorrow had turned into intense times of praise and prayer. I still wept in a fierce way—but I never felt God’s closeness in a more real way than I did then.

I spent that year searching for Him, and I found Him. He didn’t shout out the answers. There were no clouds that parted or lighting bolts that struck me. There was no burning bush. But He was definitely present. I talked. He listened. He talked. I listened. The distractions in my life had masked His presence in my life.

After that year, God said, “OK. You’re time is over here. Let’s move you on to the next place.” That’s where I am today. I can’t say that I still don’t get frustrated in my walk or confused by what He’s trying to tell me. I do all the time. And I’m still seeking His kingdom and righteousness, but, over time, our relationship has grown into something spectacular.

My dad once said to me, “God is weaving the experiences of your life together into a tapestry. But you’re looking at the canvas on the backside. You can’t understand how it could make any sense when it looks like a mess. Just turn it around, and you’ll see that He’s working behind the scenes to create a beautiful work of art. Keep seeking Him, following Him, trusting and obeying Him—and, as time goes on, you’ll begin to see the big picture come together as He intended.”