A Can of Worms: Part 2 of ??

Wait! Have you read "A Can of Worms: Part 1"? Click here to read it.

The parts hereafter may seem random and scattered, but that’s because I’m handling them with care. If I were to throw all this at you at once, your head (and mine) might explode.

For the next two posts, I’ve brought in a couple of reinforcements. These are some of the girls Jesus has placed in my inner circle, those who hold me accountable and walk with me through life. And they're some of the godliest, wisest women I know, so I trust them.

Last week, over pizza, ice cream, rocking chairs, a front porch, a perfect Tennessee evening, and three hours of intense discussion and laughter, we fleshed out a LOT of stuff.

So here we go. Popping the top of the can. Digging, digging, digging. Ahhh…there she is. Got her. Worm #2. She's a big one.

                              
The List
                              
If I could go back and talk about singleness, men, dating, and my behavior regarding the whole kit and caboodle, this is exactly what I’d tell my 21-year-old self. Some of it I learned the hard way. The rest I learned by watching others go through it.

Let it be known, I still mess up and have to check myself. But now I know. I can take it to the bank. And I hope it educates, informs, and encourages other single Christian women too. (P.S. It's lengthy, but stay with me.)

Dear 21-Year-Old Kaylan...

1. Do not initiate a call or text to a single man of interest unless you’re in a confirmed relationship with said man. Let him contact you. Put your phone away. If you can’t handle it, turn it off. If that doesn’t work, throw it in the toilet.
2. Guys do exactly what the heck they want to do—always. If he’s into you, he’ll jump through hoops of fire, lie in a bed of ants, or walk on hot coals to be by your side. If he’s not interested, he’ll do what he’s always done—nothing.
3. For the love of all that’s good and holy, please quit showing your goods to every man in sight. Being beautiful isn’t letting all your junk hang out. I see you trying to sneak it out little by little and play it off like you don't know. Cover it up, sister. Now.
4. On that note, be mysterious—physically. What’s left for his imagination is way better than flaunting what you’ve got. Make him wonder what you’re working with underneath it all before he puts a ring on it. P.S. Be modest, not matronly.
5. Be mysterious—emotionally. Don’t air all your dirty laundry—in person or on social media. That means secrets, pasts, weight issues, feelings, ex-boyfriend debacles, flaws, etc. Men don’t find that attractive. There's a time and place to go there.
6. Verification of #4 and #5 – A Christian dude recently said to me, “Single Christian girls like to take their packets of beans and spill them everywhere. But men like an element of mystery to a woman.” You heard it here first: Don’t spill your beans.
7. He doesn’t need 24/7 access to you. Please stop panting by the phone, anticipating the exact moment he'll call, or crying when he doesn't talk you at least 27 times in one day. Go out and live your life. If it's meant to be, it'll all work out.
8. Let him lead.
9. Don’t offer to pay on a date—never, ever, ever, ever. I’m not saying he needs to spend $8,437 at Ruth’s Chris every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I’m just saying let him spoil you a little. You’re worth it.
10. If you’ve only been on two dates with a man, don’t start naming your future children or cross-stitching his last name on throw pillows. If it’s two dates, it’s only two dates. Just be there. When the time comes to get serious and move to the next level, he’ll let you know.
11. One of my best friends, Meredith (part of the inner circle), has said no less than 52 times during our friendship: “Dating a man isn’t about whether or not he’s into you; it’s about whether or not he’s worthy to lead and love you into the future.” Amen.
12. If he has a reputation of being a Back-Door Dater, run, run, run as fast as you can. Don't know what that is? He's the guy who shows interest behind closed doors but won't acknowledge you in public. He's strings you along for months, never states his intentions, won’t call it what it is.
13. Let him lead.
14. “Don’t throw your pearls to pigs” (Matthew 7:6). I know the scriptural context of this is off, but just ride this wave with me. Don’t give your companionship, encouragement, time, counsel, etc. away to a man who has no intentions with you.
15. Don’t you dare give out the milk for free. Make him buy the cow first. (Excuse the crude reference.) In other words, keep your milkshake out of the yard, away from the boys, and locked up in the house until you’ve said your vows.
16. Find a close-knit set of girlfriends and attach yourselves to one another at the hip. I’m talking about the deep wells who will force you to lean into Jesus, do life with you, and call you out on your crap when necessary.
17. For goodness sake, act like a lady. You’re a daughter of a King. A princess has dignity, class, honor, standards. Own it. Ask yourself, “WWKMD?” That stands for “What would Kate Middleton do?” Oh, you think that’s funny? I’m dead serious. Just look at her. She’s classy.
18. Let him lead.
19. You may think God told you exactly whom you’re going to marry, but are you sure? If so, He’ll also tell the guy. If the other party isn’t on board, don’t be heartbroken when he marries someone else.
20. Part 2 of #19 – If, by some miracle, God has sent a heavenly messenger to deliver and confirm to you these glad tidings, please, for the love of Pete (or whatever his name is), keep it to yourself. If it’s real, it’ll all come to light in due time.
21. No matter what you’ve done in the past or how bad you’ve messed up, it’s never too late to receive forgiveness, experience grace, and start over. Our God is a God of second chances, do-overs, and new beginnings. That’s the beauty of the gospel.
22. Just say “NO” to missionary dating. It’s too risky. You can’t wish, force, or coerce a man into becoming the godly guy you want and deserve. You can pray, but that’s it. Besides, it’s not your job to change his heart. That task belongs to Jesus.
23. Speaking of that, don’t waste your time on a man who doesn’t love AND follow Jesus. It’s both/and. He must talk the talk and walk the walk. Put his gorgeous eyes, 5 o’clock shadow, and killer smile on the back burner. First things first, you'd better nail this down.
24. Let him LEAD.
25. If he doesn’t do it now, he probably won’t do it after you’re married—as in, go to church, stay faithful, study the Bible, be truthful, manage money well, have a teachable spirit, love God more than you, etc.
26. Story time! A new guy walks into church and immediately becomes a tasty little snack for the pack of hungry she-wolves waiting to attack him. He freaks out, runs away, and never returns. I see it happen all the time. Chasing boys is what happened on the playground when you were in first grade. That should not be happening now.
27. Get out in the real world. I’m not suggesting you go hook up with a guy in a bar. But I am asking you to ease up on the church functions and go hang out at a local coffee shop, join a gym, play on a sports league, volunteer somewhere, etc.
28. Be feminine. Guys like it. I’ve confirmed it. It’s a real thing. If you always try to be one of the guys, you’ll never be the girlfriend.
29. Let HIM lead.
30. Deactivate your membership to the Hot Guys Only Dating Club. You often pass up the truly godly men who’d make good husbands and fathers just because they're average looking on the Hot-or-Not Scale. Most of the world is just average—including you. The heart is what matters the most (see 1 Samuel 16:1-13).
31. Let’s say an "average" Christian man asks you out. Don't be afraid to say “YES”—even if there's only a fraction of the tiniest spark between you. Tiny sparks can turn into big flames, you know. Give him a chance. You might be surprised how attractive you find his humor, personality, strength, character, etc.
32. Do I even have to tell you to not be the desperate girl? OK. I won’t. Just don’t.
33. “Don’t accept dysfunctional because you’re desperate for anything.” That'll preach. All credit for that little golden nugget goes to the wisdom of Emily (also in the inner circle). Remember old what's his name that you wasted all that time on? Good grief. Learn your lesson for once in your life.
34. So help me, I will pull this car over... LET. HIM. LEAD. I mean what I say and I say what I mean.

                              
Trust & Obey
                              
For me, nearly all of this boils down to faith. And the rest is sheer common sense.

Do I believe God will give me bread instead of a stone? Or a fish instead of a snake? (Matthew 7:9-11)

Do I believe and trust Him with my future? (Proverbs 3:5-6)

Do I believe His ways are higher than my ways? (Isaiah 55:8)

Do I believe He's working all things together for my good and His glory? (Romans 8:28)

Do I believe He protects my life, even when I'd rather do it my way? (Psalm 3:3)

Do I believe He hears my prayers when I talk to Him? (1 John 5:14)

If I do—and I do—then I can rest in that. I can finally give Him the pen and let Him write my story. Because goodness knows His stories are way better than anything I put together.

I don't have to do anything or be anything more. I don't have to plot a covert operation for getting what I want. I don't have to overanalyze the heck out of relationships. I don't have to be "in the right place at the right time."

All I have to do is trust and obey, never take my eyes off Jesus, and play my part.

                              
Bonus!
                              
“Deep in his heart, every man longs for…
…a battle to fight
…an adventure to live
…and a beauty to rescue.”
—Wild At Heart, John Eldredge

Those Eldredges, man, they’re on to something. Girls, take notes.