These are dark times...

The last few weeks I "feel" like I've been wandering around aimlessly in the dark regarding what God wants me to do next. And then there are days when I "feel" like God has just flown me out to a desert, dropped me off in the middle of it, and vanished into thin air. I have been left with no direction, no road signs, and no compass to point me in one direction or another.

Take your pick...either scenario will fit my life at this point.

But, certainly a little wiser than I was even a year ago, I now know that feelings are fickle and faith is foundation in the life of the believer. And I know that God hasn't actually left me like I am "feeling." Instead, maybe He's just waiting for me to quit asking "why" and "what for" so that He can speak.

I was doing my devotional and reading the Bible this morning and came across the story of Hagar and Abraham in Genesis 16-17: "Abram was 86-years-old when Hagar bore him Ishmael (Gen. 16:16). When Abram was 99-years-old, the Lord appeared to him and said, 'I am God Almighty; walk before me and be blameless. I will confirm my covenant between me and you and will greatly increase your numbers.' Abram fell facedown [before God]..." (Gen. 17:1-3).
Does this mean that, after the plan involving Hagar and Sarah backfired, Abraham lived in darkness for 13 years before He heard from the Lord again?

That's kind of scary to me. But I don't think that God was just mad at Abraham and therefore decided not to talk to him for a while. I think He wanted to teach Abraham some discipline. Not only that, but he wanted Abraham to quit being so self-reliant and start trusting in Him for his future.

If you've read the story, then you know that because of Sarai's and Abram's impatience, they went ahead and did their own thing in starting a family instead of waiting upon the Lord.

Let this be a lesson to us all. Do you rely on people more than God for wisdom and direction? Do you rely on self-help books or the latest psychological trends to help you figure out life? Do you trust in your friends and family more than the Lord? I hate to admit it...but, I know I do sometimes.

I want to surrender to Him. I want to be broken before Him (which is another completely scary topic for me). I want Him to know that I don't need anyone else to be satisfied in this life. I want to come to the place where I can honestly say, "There is no one else in this world for me but You, my God!"

When will I ever come to the place where my total dependence is in the Lord? After He has to discipline me and teach me a few lessons over 13 years like Abraham? It's settled then. Even now when I don't understand what's going on..."feeling" all alone and scared...I'm going to have faith that He knows and is in control.

In the meantime, I'm simply going to wait patiently on God to shine His light (according to His timing) and lead me out of this present darkness.